Dr.Furmangivesguidancetoagirlinhis“Kid’sSkills”program.Amildmid-AprilSaturdaymorningmarkedthethirddaythatparents,educators,andprofessionalshadgatheredataninternationalhotelinBeijing’sChaoyangDistricttolistentoDr.BenFurman’sadvice,andtopractice,underhisguidance,theirnewlyacquiredparentingskills.
Parentingcoachingandchild-rearingskillshavetakencenterstageinChinaoverthelastdecade,withtheemergenceofmiddle-classurbanparentskeenontestingtheirassumptionsandengagingwiththeirchildren.
Chinanowownsaplethoraofcoachesandcounselorsthatprovidemillionsofparentswithatoolboxandinstructionmanual.LiHongyan,whoco-foundedatrainingorganizationsixyearsago,isoneofthem.Havingwitnessedconfusionanddistressamongbothparentsandchildren,shesawanopportunitytocontributetotheirwellbeingbyinvitingDr.FurmantoChina.
BenefitsofGoodParenting
FurmanisaFinnishmedicaldoctorandpsychiatrist.Heisalsoapsychotherapistspecializinginfamilytherapy.Whenhestartedoutasayoungpractitioner,psychoanalytictheoriesdominatedhisparticularfield.“Childrenwithproblemswouldseeapsychoanalysttwiceaweek,sometimesforyears,”Furmansaid.“ConsequentlyIdevelopedaninterestinsolution-focusedpsychology,becauseasIknewitcouldbeappliedtoallkindsofproblems.”
In1986,Furmanco-foundedtheHelsinkiBriefTherapyInstitute.Hehassincetaughtsolution-focusedtherapyinternationally,andhisbookshavebeenpublishedinmorethan20languages.Heformulatedthe“Kids’SkillsforParentsandOtherCareers”hands-ontrainingprogram,withtheaimofpromotinghissolution-focusedapproachamongthegeneralpublic.
Mrs.Meng,aprofessionalinherlate30s,wasthereatFurman’sworkshop.SheacknowledgedthatparentsinChinaneedtoimprovetheirparentingskills.“Alotofparentsimposetheirwillontheirchildren,”Mengsaid.“Theydon’trealizethatachildneedstobematureenoughtomakesenseoftheserequirements.”
Furman’s“Kid’sSkills”programhasprovenpopularinChina,andhisseminarsarealwayspacked.Hesayshismissionistoassistparents,educators,andchildrenthroughsimple,straightfor-ward,practicalandcreativetechniques,andsomakeparentingmoreenjoyable.
ThepopularityofFurman’sprogramechoesthedramaticshiftofparentingstylesthathastakenplaceinChinainthelastdecade.Shiftingawayfromtheauthoritarian/permissiveparadigm,researchershaveformulatedtheconceptofauthoritativeparenting,acombinationofmutualrespect,trust,andemotionalcloseness.
YinJianli’sbookAGoodMomIsBetterthanaGoodTeacherbestillustratesthewake-upcallChinaexperiencedafteritspublicationin2009.Yinadvocatedeffectiveandequalinteractionbetweenparentsandtheirkids.HerbooksentripplesacrossChinawhoseeffectsarestillfelttoday.TheChinesegovernmentalsoencouragedwomenandchildren’sorganizationstoprovidegeneralguidelinesonparenting,thusacknowledgingtheconnectionbetweenparentingandaharmonioussociety.
ParentsoftheWorld,Unite!
Furmanseesnospecificdifferencebetweenchildrenandteenagersthroughouttheworld.“Familiesallhavesimilarworries,”hesaid.Mountingpressureandfailuretocommunicatemaygeneratedepressionandsuicidaltendencies.ThisisacurrentfocusofpublicdebatenotonlyinChina,butalsoinWesterncountries.
FrenchpsychiatristandpsychoanalystDr.MoniqueLauretonceremarked:“TheWesternmodel[ofparenting]isconfrontedwithaseriouscrisisofvalues.Themodelhasindeedbeendubbedpermissive,andaconnectionexistsbetweenthevaluescrisisandtheemergenceofindividualism.”
LiHongyanhasexperiencedparentinganxietyfirsthand.HerdaughtergrewupinFinland,acountrywhereparentingisatoddswithChina’scommonpractices.“Wehadendlessconflictsandsheendedupresentingmeandmyhusband.Therewasatimewhenshewasreallydepressedandwewereterriblyworriedabouther,”sherecalled.“Growingpainsareinevitableandparentsareunprepared.That’swhyweorganizeparentingseminars.”
Mrs.Zhang,aninvestorinoneofachainofearly-childhoodeducationcenters,wasthereatFurman’sseminar.Sheacknowledgesthatparentsarefightinganuphillbattle.“Weneedtopassontheparentingtechniqueswe’velearnedduringtheseseminarstoparentsandeducators,”shesaid.
Pierre,aFrenchexpatriateinBeijingwithaChinesewifeandasix-year-oldchild,believesthatparentingtranscendsnationalorculturalbarriers.“Someparentshaveaknackforcommunicatingeffectivelyandsmoothlywiththeirchildren.Youcanlearnalotfromthem,”hesaid.
TigerMother,SheepMother
Jessicaisatypicalnine-year-oldChinesechildwithahecticscheduleofeveningandweekendclasses.Shehasbeenlearningtoplaytheviolinforsometimenow,andhomepracticehasbecomearealchore.“Mydaughteroftengivesupinthefaceofdifficulties.Besides,sheresentsmyconstantlynaggingher,”Jessica’smother,Mrs.Chensaid,soechoingtheeverydayplightofmanyordinaryChinesefamilies.
Duringthis“Kids’Skills”session,FurmangaveademowithJessicaandhermotherthatbeganwithimmediatelyestablishingarapportwiththechild.“Wehavetolearntopraisechildrenbecauseit’safundamentalelementofhappinesswithinthefamily,”Furmaninsistedduringthedebriefing.“Thisisthefirststeptowardsinfluencingbehaviorinaconstructiveway.”
InhisprogramFurmancoachesparentsandchildrentoovercomeemotionalorbehavioralhurdlesbylearningcrucialskillswiththesupportoftheirimmediateenvironment.“Problemsarenottreatedassuch,butasmissingskillstobeacquired,”Furmansaid.“Cooperationandempowermentarethekeystoasuccessfuloutcome.”
HelistenedpatientlytoMrs.Chen.“I’mtiredofnagginghereveryeveningtopracticetheviolin,”shetoldanoddingFurmanwhilehemaintainedeyecontactwithherdaughter.
“Ican’tstandmymother’sconstantnagging,”theexasperatedJessicainterrupted.Furmanaskedherhowshewouldfeelifshecouldlearnanduseaspecificskilltogetridofthisproblem.Jessicalitup.Furmanhadcaughtherattention.
“It’seasiertoinfluencepeoplebytellingthem,inagentle,respectfulway,whatyouwouldliketoseetomorrowratherthancriticizingthemforwhattheydidyesterday,”helaterexplained.“Ofcourse,youcancomplain,youcancriticize,buttheoutcomeisnotsatisfying.”
Jessicaandhermotherfinallyfoundawaytobreakthedeadlock:drawingpictures.“Howwouldyoufeelifyourmotherdrewaviolintoremindyouofyourdailyviolinpractice?Orasimmeringpotwhenit’sdinnertime?”Furmanasked.Jessicaimmediatelyfeltmorerelaxed,andlaughedasFurmandrewaviolin,makingfunofhispoordrawingskills.“Ihavelearnedtodevelopproblem-solvingskillsthatmydaughterhasagreedon,”arelievedChenlatersaid.
Furmanisconvincedthatitispossibletosolvemostproblemswithaminimumofexpertinvolvement.“Medicationandlong-termtherapyisthelastresort.Wealwaystrytotalktothechild,tothefamily,andfindsolutionstogether,”hesaid.CooperationandempowermentarethemaintenetsofFurman’spsychologicaloutlookonparenting,andhisgifttoChina.
It’simportantforparentstolistenpatientlytotheirkids.PhotosbyWeiYaoJACQUESFOURRIERisaFrenchjournalistandcommentatorbasedinBeijing.