Withafaintsmile,shesaid:“WangXiaorouwasquotedassaying,lifeisunfair,andnomatterwhatyouare,itmaythrowarockatyouanytimeandknockyoudown.Mom,youanddadthrewareallybigrockatmewhenIwassix!”
Stillsmiling,sheslurpedamouthfulofnoodles,spatteringadropofbrothonthecornerofhermouth,which,onheryoungbeautifulface,waslikeabeautyspot.Insharpcontrasttoher,bothofusadultwomenatthetableweregorgingourselveswholeheartedlyandgluttonously,withacoupleofsoysaucestainsonthecollarsofQi’smother’sdressandanoodlehangingfromtherimofmybowl.Afteranexchangeofglances,werealizedthatneitherofus,despiteourhugecollectionsofbooks,hadeverheardofthenameWangXiaoroubefore.
“Mom,WangXiaoroualsosaid,tomaintainalifeofpeace,sometimespeoplehavetoswallowtearsandputonadefiantsmile.Isthiswhatyouhavebeendoingforsomanyyears?”
“Mom,areyouafraidthatIwouldhatemyfather?Soyouhavekepttellingmethathepaysformyupbringing?DoyouthinkIstillbelieveit?WhenIwasyounger,allIknewaboutdadwasfromyourmouth,andIbelievedineverywordyousaid.NowIlearnofhimthroughmyowneyes.Youcannotdeceivemeanymore.”
Withastraightface,Qi’smotherloweredherheadtoscrubthestainsonhercollarswithtissuepaper.Ipickedupthenoodledroopingdowntherimofmybowl,andslowlyputitinmymouth,tryingnottomakeanynoisethatwoulddisrupttheirconversation.Ihadthoughtallthechangesonthechildwhohadbeengrowinguprightinfrontofmyeyeswereherheightandthelengthofherneck.
“Ioverheardyourspatwithhim.Hepushedyouaround,butyoutriedtoappeaseandingratiateyourselfwithhim,becauseofme…Ilatercalledhim.Hesaid:howcanyou,achild,speaktomesoaggressively?Isaid:dad,whycannotItalktoyouinthismanner?Momhasbeenraisingmeforallthepastyears.Howmanytimesdoyouthinkshehasstomachedmyimpulsions?”
“AreyouworriedthatIwillhatehimonlearningthetruth?YoumakeupliesabouthimforfearthatIwillfeelinsecureandpityformyself,don’tyou?Nowletmetellyou,IknowIlivedinanillusionoffatherlylove,younolongerhavetotrysopainfullytosustainit.”
Afterapause,Qiranherslimfingersacrossthecornerofhermouth,andswipedoffthebrothdrop.“Whycan’tIhatehim?Whatharmcanmyuntoldhatreddotohim?Ithinkthisistheonlywaytodorightbyyou.Whycan’tIthinkdifferentlyoftwopeoplewhosebehaviorsarewidelydivergent?”
“Didn’tyoutellmethat,givenourlimitedabilities,wecanachievenothingifwetrytoachieveitall.Itisnocinchtokeeponlythosenicetousinourhearts.Icandonomorethanthat.”
Claspingherhandsatthechest,Qicontinued:“Letmehatehimforyou.Thehatredwon’tpoisonmylife.Don’tworryasIwillstillbelieveinlovewhenIgrowup.”
IwatchedasQislurpedupthelastfewdropsofherjuicethroughastraw,noisilysuckingairattheend.Thenshelookedtous:“Thisresentmentwon’tbelife-long.Itwillgrowthinnerandthinnerbeforeeventuallyevaporating.Whenthatdaycomes,wewillbetrulyrelieved.”
“Youadultspresumeyoumusttoughitout,forthesakeofloveforyourchildren,seeingbrokenrelationshipstothebitterendofyourlives,butIhavearighttothetruthandthegrittofaceit.”
Qi’smotherfinallybrokehersilence.“ItseemsIpaidforyourschoolalltheseyearstogetalecturefromyou.”
Whenwewalkedoutofthedoor,thewomanpinchedmyshoulder,reallyhard.“Areyougoingtocry?”Iasked.
“No,justfeelasifagreatburdenhasbeenliftedfrommyheart.”C
LIULINGisamemberofHenanProvinceWriters’AssociationandauthorofIWriteWhenIFeelLikeIt.